Deborah Barchi
2 min readOct 26, 2020

Well, first, it's very courageous of you to write out these thoughts. I think too many people assume parenthood comes, or should come, naturally, but it does not.

It could well be that because you were not loved by your father that you don't have an important role model to guide you. Not everyone should be a parent, but many people end up being parents even if they are not really suited for it.

Still, your son is here now. Think of things from his perspective. If he has any intelligence at all, and I'm sure he does, even if he is at times rather inarticulate, he KNOWS you don't feel close to him. And that has got to hurt him.

Perhaps if you tried to see how things feel from inside his head, instead of just yours, you might find that most important of all human qualities start to stir a little--I speak of compassion, for other living beings. Just as it was very hard on you not to have had a loving father, your son is suffering a similar fate.

Children are every bit as complex as adults, and therefore, they can be every bit as interesting, once you can connect with them. Try to listen to your son; (never mind if he speaks in perfect English!);try to find out what he likes to do, and even if what he likes is not what you like, try to connect with him.

He needs you, every bit as much as you needed (and probably still do need) your father. You may not deeply love your son, but you can still care about him. It seems to me you have taken the first step, by reaching out via this article. I respect you for that, and I do hope that someday you and your son will find a true connection.

Deborah Barchi

Deborah Barchi has recently retired from her career as a librarian and now has time to read, explore nature, and write poetry and essays.